friends

since friendship day's just over, let me talk a bit about friends.

What do i look for in a friend?
wisdom
sincerity
boldness
sensitivity
confidentiality
patience
understanding
must never fear me

Why these qualities? Because i am an enigma.

Despite many attempts to clearly describe myself truthfully, without any pretension, somehow, people still like to assume about me etc. That makes me wonder why i spent so much time on introspection, who i am, what i'm like, why i do things the way i do it.

I would say that i know myself pretty well, as I often ask people about their perception of me, find out why they think of me a certain way etc and explain misunderstandings, where necessary/possible. And i always strive to improve myself.

But even after all that effort, many will still be puzzled by the way i think/work. But they know me better after that.

I am a cautious person with a predilection for risk-taking.
- I am cautious with respect to words, spoken or written and will usually go through a letter at least once, prior to sending it. Those close to me will note that there are times when there will be long pauses in conversation before i venture to make my point. Because words can build, but also destroy.
Risk taking, somewhat a paradox, as cautious people dislike risks. But so long as it harms no one, try! That's my perspective.

I am insanely lively and also quiet.
- More often quiet. Insanity sets in with too much coffee or lack of sleep. The causative factor is usually due to a lethal combination of both, making me extremely lively. Quiet, as i do not relish attention that much, though, a small dosage of attention from time to time does wonders. I excel at 1 to 1 scenarios and maybe small click of friends. Having a low voice which does not travel well, it is a factor that inhibits me from addressing large groups.
Really, is noise necessary? In a multitude of words, sin is not lacking. More thought, less speech.

I am strong, yet weak
Physically strong, i am relying on the Lord for emotional strength. Though in much better control of anger than i used to be, i had, since 16, for reason of self-protection, restrained my emotions, with regards to love and passion. Anger and rage was having a field day most of the time for the past 10 years, but passion and love were hamstrung and hung out to dry. That decision left me with the unenviable legacy of 'mechanical relationship' and an undernourished emotional processor.

Human, yet mechanical
I am human, i feel, laugh and cry. But i reason and think pretty much with a flowchart, time-graph, logic control system. It's not a 'gifted' deposition, rather, the by-product of the Engineering training i had received as a teenager. Some believe it's more of a curse. Though, unknown to most folks, emotional factors and human frailities are computed into the equation before the final decision is reached. Must be the built-in fuzzy logic functions that God put in. *laughs*

Gruff yet loving
I am gruff, i am rough and i have a wrath to match. But my friends, my brothers, know me well enough not to fear me. Because they know that i love them and i know where they are coming from. So they have the 'audacity' to confront me on areas i need to change. They are ready to feel my wrath, but they never flinched from doing what they knew was right. I am a man who thinks on the long term. So they knew that, if i can see their perspective, that the change will bring about vast improvement in the long run, i'll do it.
And they know me to be tactful to handle situations as well. There's some uneasiness, due to my ever-declining volatility, but generally, they trust me to do what's right.
Leaders by default, are people i respect, reverence. I don't hear them. I listen intently. Which also means i clarify when in doubt.

That's me, in a nutcase.