exploration of feelings

sadness gladness
are just forms of madness?

i feel... indeed, i do feel, as often, more often than not, a general helplessness about my inabilities. i have skills, matched and outclassed by all others around me.

i am honored to be surrounded by some of the most talented individuals i know. A prodigal programmer, a network engineer who knows where he is heading, singers, dancers, musicians, sound engineers, multimedia experts...

and i, a jack of all trades.

A mishmash of knowledge, useful to most newbies, too general to be of dependable use to specialists... a mismatch of culture, born a chinese, sees life through the perspective of a japanese, and learning to oversee all these with the culture of the Kingdom of God.

just who am i... who is this homo sapien entity known as 'max'? Is he for real, or is he just a shadow... too disturbing to be dismissed, too immaterial to be felt, too remote to be connected, too closed for comfort?

am i an enigma?
or am i so categorically self-expressed that people do not believe what i say about myself is true?

it isn't about me... so i say to myself and carry on with life... trudges along like a gruff tough dwarf of the genre of mythology books that i used to read.

At times, i lived life with the rabid pace of a crazed berserker, slowing down only at the point of exahustion, and at other times, i tanked along at a snail's pace, crushing all undergrowth, irreversibly altering the landscape yet increasingly, i find myself strolling down the alleys of life at an old man's leisurely pace, an attitude of nonchalance, with undercurrents of immeasurable mental activity, striving to understand the mysteries of life, with which the ancients also wrestled.

I find myself bemused with the fallacies, follies and excesses of youth, intrigued and amazed at the simplicity of a young child of 5, as with the complexities of philosophies and insights of a man of 50.

I strived to be happy, yet joy eludes me, a fleeting glimpse of what could be. I fought anger and battled sadness, i craved solace, and yet entertained depression, my only accompaniment, my constant drudgery of misery...

WHY???! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL????!

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE BLUE SPOT ON THE RED CARPET, THE CROW AMONG THE DOVES, THE WOLF AMONG THE SHEEP???

*Roar*

grief mocks me and cynicism taunts me... weariness clings to me and dissatisfaction frustrates me...

Where on earth am i headed...? Confusion fogs me as job opportunities arrayed themselves around me... I fear that i may not 'finish' what my life was meant to do. I worry over the future, can i fulfill the needs of my ageing parents?

and somehow... i still wonder if i do feel beyond the 4 emotions, joy, anger, grief, exhilaration... whether do i express myself coherently?

Someone's gonna be alarmed, someone's going to counsel me... someone's gonna do something, but really, is there any need? Or am i so blind that i can see myself bleed?

Well... shrugging of the snow, dancing to a beat of my own... i hope one day, i can hear the same song that everyone else is hearing... but eventhen... it would be cool to dance a different jig from all the rhythmic waltz.

will i always be different...? Maybe... But so long as He is happy with me, i have no cause for complains. I think.

Now.. with this blog entry... where does the fable end and true expression begin?