recent state of mind

was lately that 2 things came to mind

1. wussy was yesterday... warfield rules today!
i'm a pretty rule based kinda chap... through the years, i've got certain experiences that made things more 'gray', rather than black or white for me. Which is good... as i learnt to be more forgiving and accommodating to others, instead of being just the 'yes/ no' kinda guy.

But when things happens, bad things, i still have the tendency to withdraw... maybe to sulk, maybe to think, most times to 'suck it in & recover'.

this year didn't really start off too good... had to 'suck [ALOT] of it in'. been out of sorts for quite a while. kept things to myself. thinking. contemplate. *farts*

oops. it happens quite a bit when i am stressed. sorry....
:p

Anyway... yea.

so there i was, finally sank under the piles of thoughts, mostly depressive, and like... haiz, 人难做，好人更难做。
And that's after 3 weeks of withdrawals. so there i was, mucking about in my mind... and one of the zone admins came along and: aren't you going? The NEXGEN thing was about to start...

And i was like, ya, ya... ok... not really convicted.

And i was thinking*again*
*roll eyes*

like... i'm sinking under all this dead weight... what difference is it from the lepers? [for those who are lost or want the specifics, go check 2Kings]

There was a siege. and these lepers were outside the city wall. much like me.
I muck around, i die.
i advance, i might live. if the enemy shows me mercy.
if not, i die. Hopefully not a slow painful death, i might add.

and anyway, during SOT 2007, the graduation message was "ship leaving the harbour".

If there too much rain, there is a flood, and in a flood, the blasted ship is supposed to rise, not sink!

Kinda like a light went on.

this year... i will engage *any opposition* and crush it.
i have decided to step out and step over and crush negativity like a cockroach[masters of the seas, anyone?].
i will deny my instinct to run away and charge ahead.
towards my fears, into my carnage, against my instincts.

If i trust in the Lord, and if my conduct has been right and in line with His Word, it will work out for the good.
i guess that is walking by faith... not by sight, which is visual representation of what is happening in the material world, but by strong belief in His promises in the Word that is changing the 4th Dimension and advancing forward..?

Courage is not the absence of fear, but acting despite of it. i guess it is similar to faith.

gotta run along... point 2 comes later.

2. The little things

it is truly the little things which we do that matters to people.

it's the words of encouragement, the times together, even the cup of ice water, that makes a bad day look 'not so bad afterall'.
that somewhere, there is a God, there is a person who took the effort to say: jiayou when you're knocked out on the ground. And that there was someone like you...

who came along

stretched out your hands

and helped to haul me back to my feet... till i could walk again.

you didn't care about the naysayers and the voices of those who didn't think i could make it.
you didn't bother if association with me would've caused you to look bad.

there ain't no million strong congregation watching.
there was no video crew taking this down for posterity
you didn't drive from china back to sg to rescue me.
you didn't send in a copter and a team of medics to get me stretchered to the best hospital in town.
you didn't do a international fund raising to provide for my medical care and needs.

but heck, you did make a difference in my life. and that's all there is to it.
and that's enough for me. for that i am thankful.

maybe not physically, maybe emotionally, but... think with me for a moment... if depression has been known to make a man suicidal, you just might save a life with a phonecall or a chatter with a friend. or even just by being there.

but most importantly... you are 'there' because you're being "you". not trying to be Oprah Winfrey or Michael Jordan or Jay Chou. But because you've always been who you are.

Special thanks again to these folks for being there for me in this last melodramatic episode... i'm committed to forging ahead and crafting my future really fantastically. do stay with me for this adventure. it's gonna be fun.
Mom(who'll never read this), Steven, Eugene Ang, Richard, Peilong, Lynn(can never thank God enough for you), Stelle(yes, you. shut up. :p), Marc, iceman Mel, Manwin, Auntie, Rommel(hobbit with the sexy gait), Des Chung(last but definitely not the least, and again, bo chia :p).

Yes, i know i have thanked you people many times, but this is my blog and i'll be damned if i can't do what i want here! :p
i mean, gimme a break, it is supposedly true that part of grow old means getting naggy... so might as well nag the good stuff.

*i seriously hoping that the "growing old means growing naggy" part is a myth... but no harm using it as an excuse ya?*

I won't forget you people, so if you need me, call, sms, email. as much as i can, i want to be there for you too. good times and bad.

in closing... once again... it's about being faithful with the little things... like being there for a friend.

someone said i'm 'drama', but i believe this past weeks resulted in a 'destiny moment'. In many ways. it's gonna change my future. Without these people, it may have turned out differently. thanks mates! *bows*