ahhhhhhhh.... life.

i have left cg for quite a while now...

since then... i am free of constraints and expectations... (whether self-induced or imposed).

i.am.me.

fierce... furious, temperamental, angry, fucked up... whatever.
like i would really care that much... i had lived 30 odd years, trying to avoid hurting others, taking great pains to stay out of people's way, and getting a rep for weirdo-ism... some crap that is...

so... i've decided to be who i always was supposed to be. it's kinda problematic, trying to get used to being me... but i think i am finally getting used to it. Salt has got to be salty... would be weird if it tasted like sugar. murky me have decided to crystallize.

i see more of what is good and bad about me... more bad than good.

but some good is coming out of it... i'm more likely to fight on in an adverse situation, while i would likely have given up in the past. i realized that i have a "functional self" and a "school self"... "functional self" suits most occasions... "school self" scares the shit out of some idiots and generally gives the impression that i am a sociopath.

makes me think, it does. should i show a mask just because people like the performance? if someone likes me because of it... would it be deception on my part, causing someone to believe in a lie, loving that which was never there? there are no easy answers for me yet...