i think... therefore i am?

i am max.
27.
odd.
weak.
tough.


Born into a family of 4, with an elder sibling.
life was never easy for the 2nd half. i was mischievious and active.

Nobody ever liked that kind of package.

Love? Yea, i was loved. Much more well-loved by the cane.

You name it, i've got it. Caned at home, caned on the streets, caned in front of the class by my grandma, caned by my prinicipal.

Tough? yea.

But i got what i deserved. Grandma was one grand dame who knew what she was about. She's tougher than most grandmas i know... She's not the doting "koo-chi-koo sweetie, spoil the little kiddie" type.

She knows how to love a person. And i was largely that recipient.

If not for her, i would have fallen by the wayside and probably died a long time ago. I won't have been who i am today.

Perhaps that would have been better. not.

She's MY GRANDMA! I will not stand having nyone who criticise her before my face! She made me the man i am & i'm proud of her!

i made public apology before.

In poly.

The gang was to go to Japan, and yours truly took it into his pea-sized head to skip some meeting cos' it was repetitive and boring.

And the lecturer said: You apologise to the group... or it's no go for you, homeboy.
cried when i did.

but broke the back of pride while i was at it.

Tough? yea. Regrets? None.

Made me stronger.

And i still hang out with this lecturer of mine. Still make trips to school to see the man. Cool dude. Lend books to him sometimes.

i have learnt not to cry over matters.

in the army.

i couldn't handle stress very well and was put 1 side during the drill. Not that i wanted to screw up, but i was stressed out. And screwed up.

My sarge took me aside and asked me,
what are you crying for?
Does it solve anything?
No?
then use your energy for something else, make yourself better.

That hardened my carapace.

yea, love ye fella brethren. but how far can you go? sometimes, it takes a bootprint on the bottom to get some people to wake up their ideas.

yep, army did me quite a bit of good in those days. *takes a long draught of coffee*

Love is kind. Love can be tough too. It has to be.

ever heard the chinese proverb:
merciful mothers doth failure sons beget.

Yea... maybe i was raised for such a time as this... when all practice the gentle art of love, to drop hints and ask questions, yours truly was born to challenge and confront... You ain't gonna grow unless you confront your fears.

You don't suggest to the devil to get out of your way. Give him the best "left foot of fellowship" and shout to him: Get out, in Jesus' Name!

No cost to confronting people? Any idea how emotionally draining that can be? It drains me to the point i don't want to talk to no one.

I've had 2 proteges thus far... if they would accept that dubious honor.
1 is a guy, one is a girl. both were suicidal, one still is.
i counselled both. And i am consistent in that i counselled, encouraged and, at the end of it all, challenged them.

where 1 came out stronger, the other's still unchanged.

He quotes a statement of mine: life goes on.
He's the one who says i'm cranky on friendster.

The other believes that she's too weak to rise above.

I didn't change them. Though my presence in the guy's life helped him to see things differently, and he made his mind to toughen himself and go through.

And he says he hopes to make coffee one day and enjoy it with his friends. That included me.
He's barrista at Starbucks.

Proud of the chap... Not because of what i did... but because my friend has grown stronger and overcame. He's a man now. And he's nin-teen? Nope, nine-MAN.

And i still got a long way to walk.

*sling his bag over 1 shoulder and pulls his cap lower... time to go.*
*stretches his hand out and grabbed his Bible.*

Never live without it.