Elaine's blog(updated 20041117

quoted from elaine's blog
http://www.255-seven.blogspot.com/

= = = = =
They try to hide their secrets, believing that people won't see their scars and the cracks in their armor. They think they can push it down and suppress the hurts, thinking it will all 'disappear' somehow or rather. They are wrong, oh-so-wrong! The Father sees and He longs for them to return to His embrace. Into His forgiveness.

They run, they hide, they lie... They rebel.
= = = = =

Reminds me of the time when i was told the 3 words that changed my life forever.

"No, forget me."

The speaker of that statement was a girl in my cohort during secondary school. The first day i saw her in Sec 1 orientation... everything else disappeared into the background... there was only her.

and she was perfect. She was petite and sweet looking, beautiful eyes and she looked very smart with her metal framed spectacles. I think she was from a convent school. Her voice was soft and clear.

And she was 1 day younger than me. Being a kid born at the end of the year, that's very special to me.

I only spoke to her once in Secondary 1. Found her name was Liling, and her birthday. (She later changed her name, so i'm using her previous name.) I was young and stupid, do not know how to woo girls. Well, i'm now older and stupid, because i think i STILL don't have a proper clue on how to woo girls. *someone pray for me?*

So the years passed. Throughout secondary 1 through 3, i went to school early... i could shower, eat breakfast and changed and be on my way to school in 20 minutes... just to watch her coming in to school. My brother usually take 40 over minutes.

Secondary 3, she was sitting next to my best friend. And i ALWAYS pop by to talk to him. *erm... shy guy, remember?*

Sec 4 was the memorable year. I arrive in class early and sat at the back of the class to take cover. Teacher came in... and ordered me to the front. I was 1.5m SHORT... so she figured i ought to be in front.

And i sat next to her.

and we debated on everything, especially "Merchant of Venice". She was the only one who won any arguement against me... *well, i let her win sometimes... she is very intelligent, but she doesn't win all the time*

Somewhere in the middle of the year, some friends of mine introduced me to another girl... i was quite undecided... 3 years over and no progress... thinkthinkthink... okay la... think i failed to get her interested...

so i tried going after this other girl. *i am still an idiot. So i still didn't know any better* Of course, having a grand "0" in my girlfriend list, my attempt to get attached to this other girl didn't work out.

1 day... somewhere after prelims, Liling told me, if i had problems with homework, i could look for her.

My mind went blank.

Coming from her... this is as good as being accepted as potential bf. (i might be wrong, but that is very unlikely. She is a girl's girl and i am a guy's guy. i don't hang out with girls, nor does she hang out with guys. For a girl like her to say this to a guy... well, later events will confirm this)

I spent 3 days in a blur state. Can't sit still, can't lie down properly. I was hyperactive, but the situation drove me to agony. On one hand, i was going after this other girl (or i thought i was). On the other hand, Liling seems to have accepted me already. In the midst of the turmoil, i did my signature move. "Decide when i'm too pissed with thinking."

If i remembered that a bird in hand was worth 2 in the bush, i would probably have made it to JC and U. Probably even married by now. But i decided, since i gave up already, and i am 1/2 way through going after the second girl, i will stay on this current track.

And one day, when she was with a guy that was rumored to be her bf, i teased them.

She gave me a look that i only realised much much later that i had hurt her deeply.

She came late to class the next day. She's never late. Either early or MC... but never late.

Things were never the same again.

I didn't study for prelims and couldn't go no where. She made it to A JC.

After O's, i asked her: if i ask you to be my gf, would you say yes?
She replied: no, forget me.

Heartbreak.

I spent my days in a foul mood, playing Street Fighter 2. Hung around Isetan Scotts, burning time at the Kinokuniya there. I was using walkman at that time and listened to a cheery rap album that i bought from Tower Records, Pacific Plaza.

I made it to Poly for my O level's. She went to SRJC. I believe it was my fault. And though i called and asked about her, i tried to console her about going SR but ended up hurting her more when i spoke about SRJC being one of the last JCs.

Stupid.

Went to SRJC to visit the Giant, my other best friend. Saw her there... Didn't disturb her as she was with friends. Told the Giant to look after her, and to inform me if someone tries to pick on her, not that anyone would. i would have done my best to terminate anyone who messed with her. Giant was 1.8m tall. (He later reached 1.84m).

After the 3 months' course was over, i worked from April to June. I worked hard and enjoyed myself with the company i had. Menial tasks, packaging books to be sent overseas in carton boxes... physically demanding... but there were overtime to be done, and i tried to do the best i could... but night time was always spent staring at the ceiling, wondering what could have been and sometimes crying myself to sleep.

I thought of suicide, but stayed alive as i knew that i am here, as who i am, in this place, at this point in time, because there is something that i must do, that no one else can do it as well as i can.

I cannot die before that.

so i survived.

But i suppressed my hurts and hid my wounds. People knew me as temperamental psycho in poly. No one knew where the crack in my armor started or where it ended. I was one big mess that radiated heat so hot, no one could try to patch me up.

No one dared to try.

It was only years later that God touched me and healed me somewhat. Holy Spirit moved. It was a long time since i last laughed so happily.

And later, i understood that it all took place because i rejected God. She was a christian and i was not. A friend was trying to reach out to me and i persecuted him. It was after the heartbreak and my poor results that i went to poly and met Alex Oh, through whom i came to City Harvest and received Christ.

i don't hate her. Never did. Tried to hate her in order to forget her. Didn't work.

there is a sense of sadness, regret, remorse... for having disturbed her life. And a feeling that i owe her something, for causing her to do badly for her O's.

But life went on. And i am reconciled to the fact that it's all ended. And i shut down my emotions. Tried to.

Was attracted to people before, but never really knew how to go after girls. (Maybe i was, but did not know how to do it effectively. Still blur, but don't think i can afford the time to.)

It was somewhere in 2003 that my japanese homestay mom said to me during a conversation... she asked if i was attached. I said no. She asked why. I told her about the miserable failure in Sec 4, and i never really tried after that. She said i should try, otherwise my heart will always be 16 years old. (Her english is not too good, but i think she meant to say that my emotional faculties will not be developing.)

well... i guess i have been through all that she said.

brilliant observation, dear girl. Brilliant!

lesson learnt from this 'crash'
1. Never give up until you really hit the wall
2. it is darkest when breakthrough's near. And temptations will come at this time.
3. Mulling over regrets gets you no where. Depression will just make a deep dark impression into your life. Let go, move on and grow.
4. i better learn to relate to girlsladies *laughs*
5. God is for me. He brings wise counsellors into my life so that i will grow!